Self Insert Saga Gundam Wing
by Kynthia
Summary: Quote: I am the LION QUEEN!
1. They're back Be afraid

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing and neither does Coley or Cricket. I claim no ownership whatsoever. Now I'm sad. I do own Kynthia though. Coley and Cricket belong to themselves.

Author's Notes: Kynthia - I'm not sure where this stuff keeps coming from.

Self-Insert Saga - Gundam Wing

By Kynthia, Coley, and Cricket

Part 1

A bright pink puff of smoke went 'poof' in a scrap yard.

Cricket landed on her butt on perhaps the only part of the yard that wasn't covered in debris. Lucky her. Inches away was a large sharp piece of scrap metal that was pointing skyward. That would have hurt.

It's not like she noticed anyway. She was too busy taking in the changes that had occurred to her body. She ran in circles gawking at her butt, "I don't have a tail!"

She looked down her shirt. "I'm a girl again! Whahooo!" She proceeded to do a happy dance where she stood.

She hadn't noticed yet that her hair had changed colors. Oh well. That could be her little surprise for later.

Right now she was too busy celebrating the fact that she would never here another joke about her being an 'it' again. Oh how her friends would pay for those jokes. She suddenly stopped and looked around.

"I'm in a scrap yard. I'm alone. I'm supposed to be in the Gundam Wing universe." A grin spread across her face. She would just have to look for the others later. Right now whatever carnage her friends would reap was far from her mind.

*****

A bright purple puff of smoke that was shaped like a kangaroo went 'poof' outside of a circus.

"Achoo!" Coley rubbed her nose and looked around.

She saw brightly colored tents and could hear cheerful music playing nearby. Her first thought was that she had died and gone to her own personal hell. This was her punishment for starting Cricket on the circus song that so annoyed Kynthia. Then she remembered Cricket making a certain wish. A wish that cancelled out her own.

She wandered aimlessly to the entrance, where a ticket guy promptly asked for money. With her mind (or what was left after the DBZ experience) currently occupied with thoughts of killing Cricket, she thoughtlessly pulled a gun out of spandex space and walked in unperturbed.

After about an hour of bored wandering she discovered the animal tent.

What good could come from this?

*****

A smoggy gray puff of smoke went 'ping' on an OZ military base. Followed by a hacking cough. You know, smoggy gray is a cool color but it didn't have to come with the actual smog. As the smoke cleared Kynthia looked down and noticed a Nazi-style uniform. After semi-thoughtful consideration she determined it was an OZ uniform. Meaning she wasn't going to have to deal with Mariemaia. Then she looked up to take in her bearings only to see the most terrifying sight as of yet on this trip.

Something horrifying glomped her.

"Are you a new recruit cause OZ really likes new recruits and I really like new recruits and new recruits are really really neat! Do you need a roomate? Cause I really need a roomate. My last two roomates left really quickly and I really need the company."

Kynthia pried the leech girl off of her. She was really going to kill Cricket. She noticed rank bars on her shoulder. After careful thought of what little she actually knew about military rank, she decided they were lieutenant bars. She eyed the hyperactive girl.

"What rank am I?" she made sure to say this with an attitude so it would look more like something a military person would say.

"Uhhh… " suddenly the girl snapped to attention and saluted "Lieutenant Aardvark! Ma'am!"

"Aardvark?" She blinked. "Right! Um… scurry away! I want some coffee! Double time soldier!"

Hilde Schbeiker scurried away as she was told, anxious to leave the lieutenant that didn't know her own name.

And so terror was unleashed on another unsuspecting world.

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To be continued…


	2. Coley goes to the circus

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. I am making no money from this.

Self-Insert Saga - Gundam Wing

By Kynthia, Cricket, and Coley

Part 2

"I wonder if there are any penguins?" Coley muttered to herself as she closed and locked the lion cage behind her. And promptly threw the key across the room. "Here kitty kitty kitty…" she said as she advanced towards the lions, who were huddled in the far corner of the cage, shivering.

30 Minutes Later

Coley calmly sat on the back of the head lion singing to herself a modified version of the Lion King song "Oh I just can't wait to be king."

A familiar figure approached.

At least it would have been familiar to Kynthia or Cricket, however to Coley it only slightly jogged a slight recollection. She immediately noticed that he only had one eye and some really poofy pants.

"Hey! You! Why are you wearing floofy pants?"

Trowa started. Then he stared. He spoke.

"…"

"I HATE when anime characters do that! Talk! Talk now! For I am THE LION QUEEN!"

Trowa looked at her. "Why are you riding that lion?"

She hopped off the lion and walked to the bars. She reached out and poked Trowa's bang. "How do you make it do that?"

Behind her, a lion growled and it not so quietly snuck up behind her. She whirled on him "OBEY ME!" The lion promptly fell to the ground quivering and whimpering like a well-beaten dog.

Trowa began backing away from the cage slowly. He secretly hoped the lion would eat her. Slowly. 

Coley tilted her head at him slightly, and managed to pull off the I'm-a-cute-girl-rescue-me look. As if hypnotized Trowa unlocked the cage and let her out. It was time to find Cricket. And kill her. 'Why do I always end up in some way connect to Trowa? It's like that weird dream Cricket had. I'm going to kill her.'

She turned to look at Trowa. "Do you have any penguins?"

"We're a circus not a freakin zoo."

Coley briefly considered shooting him, then decided to shoot the ring master instead. You know, the guy with the mustache. Coley always hated guys who employed knife throwing girls who wear tutus. The only girls who threw knives NEVER wear tutus. She should know, she's friends with them all. All two of them.

As she glanced up on her way out of the city where the circus was she noticed a giant TV. With a giant Kynthia on the screen screaming at a woman with glasses and Princess Leia type hair. 

'I wanna be on TV! That's not fair. I'll sneak into a high security base and kill Kynthia. Then I'll kill Cricket. Dee dee dum.'

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To be continued…


	3. Cricket's worst nightmare

Disclaimer: We do not own Gundam Wing. Wish we did but we don't. We are not making any money from this.

Self-Insert Saga - Gundam Wing

By Kynthia, Cricket, and Coley

Part 3

Cricket looked around the scrap yard she had fallen in to and decided two things. One: she needed a mirror and Two: She was hungry. She noticed a house across the scrap yard. She decided it looked like it might have both.

10 minutes later

Having successfully picked the lock… but not with hairpins, which she considered a waste of time. She just ran a credit card through the door jam. 'Why do people always do that the hard way?' she wondered as she walked into the house. It never occurred to her to wonder where the credit card came from. 

She walked into the kitchen and made a bee line to the fridge. As she opened the fridge an annoying buzzing sounded over her head. She looked up and saw an intercom.

Feeling curious she pushed a lone red button on the wall. Holding it down she spoke, "Uh, hello?"

__

"Ms. Bunbun? I need your assistance."

Cricket's blood ran cold. She knew that voice. It haunted her nightmares. It was….*dramatic music*…Relena.

"By all that is good in the world how did this happen?" All she could do was stand and stare into the quickly warming fridge. The cheese was melting. 'Eww,' she thought vaguely through her horror.

She began to turn slowly in search of something sharp. The vile thing could not be allowed to live.

__

"Ms. Cricket BunBun! Where are you?"

She froze again. This had to be a nightmare…or this was hell. Did she die and not remember? Could that happen? 'What horrible thing did I do in a past life to deserve this??'

Cricket looked down for the first time at what she was wearing. Earlier she had been so overcome with enthusiasm that she hadn't taken in the bright bubblegum pink maid uniform that she was wearing. "Aren't these uniforms supposed to be black?"

"Black is such a horrendous color." The voice said from behind her. She turned quickly to see who had snuck up behind her.

It was the creature from the depths of hell that even she wasn't evil enough to reach. It was…Relena. Dun dun duh!

"What am I doing here?!" Cricket shrieked. She was to horrified to realize that she probably shouldn't be acting like this.

Relena quirked an eyebrow. "You've been my maid for a month now. Are you feeling ok?"

"A…month…" Cricket's mouth hung open. Her eyes began to water like she would cry.

Relena took a step back from her clearly over stressed help.

"I know I've threatened, tormented, beaten, tortured, and generally annoyed the hell out of others, but….how do I deserve this?!"

"You have clearly not taken your pills today. You should probably go lie down. If we were at the mansion I could just send someone else to clean up the spill. Since we're in this safe house and I'm not even supposed to have brought any of the help, I guess I'll just have to do it myself," Relena rambled as she walked away.

Cricket felt herself grow faint. 'Why?'

An ominous voice sounded in her head, _Check, check, check. Is this thing working? Ok. Eternal dragon here. You are being punished for all the wishes I've had to grant to fix the mess the three of you made in my world._

"Are all three of us being punished?" She didn't question the fact that she was now talking back to the voices in her head. She imagined Kynthia being locked in a room full of clowns and Coley attached to Bulma at the hip for all of eternity.

__

No. Just you.

"Why?"

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I only have enough power to reach one of you so we had to draw your name from a hat. Vegeta wanted to kill your friend Coley for killing Bulma and giving him hope.

She heard a click in her mind.

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Hey. I have mail.

"What?"

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Oh. Nothing. Just checking my e-mail.

She vaguely wondered why he would have e-mail but there probably wasn't a whole lot someone could do while trapped in the dragon balls.

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I should be going. Bye! Enjoy your stay. Muwahahaha!

Cricket decided she needed to lie down.

She staggered to a room. There wasn't a patch of space that wasn't saturated with pink or frills. She dropped onto the bed and landed on something hard poking her in the stomach. It must have been the remote because the TV flickered to life. She certainly hoped it was the remote poking her in the stomach, because the idea of a TV turning itself on was an idea she couldn't deal with at this point of time.

A familiar voice could be heard shouting from the television. This time it wasn't Relena. She turned her head. A familiar green haired girl was in a uniform shouting at a woman she was sure was Lady Une, in her unhappy personality.

She glared in Kynthia. Cricket was stuck being a maid to the pacifist bitch while Kynthia got to send people to their deaths! This was _her _wish! She was supposed to be the one having fun.

Kynthia would pay for this.

__

To be continued…

Author's Notes: Kynthia - I just want to tell Cricket that if she is unhappy with this chapter then she should have known better than to put an insulting screen saver on my computer and then leave Coley and I alone while we are on sugar highs.

^_^

Bye!


	4. Lawn Gnomes are romantic

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. I am making no money from this.

Self-Insert Saga - Gundam Wing

By Kynthia, Cricket, and Coley

Chapter 4

Kynthia stalked down the hallway of the OZ base. She grinned sadistically as the privates scattered. She was having fun.

Things had only gotten better when she had sent Hilde on that suicide mission this morning. She was also getting the opportunity to look over the new recruits that would be transferring to the base today. She could inspire fear into them early. She released an evil cackle that spooked all including some of the higher ranking officers.

Her boot heels made clinking noises on the tile. She liked that noise. Clinking was so much more fun than clicking.

When she arrived in the yard, she quickly sent a private to get a doughnut. She then began to watch the recruits as they sweat under scrutiny. After a few minutes she noticed something. Well, first she noticed that she still didn't have her doughnut, but then she noticed something that may or not be important to the story. The law of randomness dictates that anything can happen so who knows how this will end anymore.

One of the recruits was…a gundam pilot.

It wasn't just any gundam pilot either. It was the Justice Warrior (A/N: yes it deserves caps) himself. Wufei was here.

Poor Wufei. (A/N:If you thought Trowa had it bad you ain't seen nothing yet.)

Kynthia quickly clamped down on her fan girl instincts that demanded that she glomp him with all her might right there in front of everyone and squeal his name happily. After all, this self-insert has to be different than the rest of the self-inserts in the world.

She snapped out of her fan girl trance when the private finally returned with her doughnut.

She turned quickly to take her anger out on the unsuspecting twit. He had it coming though. I mean, who would be stupid enough to leave her waiting for food! She was likely to turn cannibal at any given minute.

"What took so bloody long?" she demanded. 'I always wanted to use bloody instead of damn in a sentence.'

"Ma'am, I had to fight three privates and two rats for this doughnut." He looked like he was ready to either cry or die from blood loss from the mass of scratches on his face.

"Rats were near my doughnut! I don't want it anymore." Kynthia turned and stuck her nose in the air in an attempt to look like a snobby officer.

The private's eyes grew wide in shock as he shakily held the doughnut out like an offering. "But-but-"

"Are you saying something about my butt? What's wrong with my butt?!" She glared and turned to look behind her. "Do these pants make it look big? I know the coat makes me look a little hippy."

The private's jaw dropped. "I was infected with rabies ma'am. I endured this all for your doughnut."

She just looked at him.

He suddenly dropped to the ground in convulsions and foaming at the mouth. When the convulsions slowed, Kynthia, or Lieutenant Aardvark, poked him with the toe of her boot. She then looked around to see if anyone had noticed. No one seemed to be paying her much attention so she slowly walked away. She then turned back and picked up the doughnut.

'Hmm… if Coley were here she could have set the rats on all those who are present. Willard!' (A/N: The authors do not claim Willard.)

Kynthia tossed the doughnut over her shoulder. It hit Wufei on the head. She continued walking. Momentarily, Lady Une stormed out of the building, searching out the final powdered doughnut. She spied it in Wufei's hand, snatched it, and inhaled it. All of this in less than thirty seconds. Kynthia turned around just in time to see Une devour the last bite. Unbeknownst to all involved, Lady Une was starting the beginning of the end. Now she would slowly die a horribly painful death due to a mutated form of the rabies virus and a mild case of food poisoning. But of course this would take a few weeks. In a flash of something almost-but-not-entirely unlike brilliance Kynthia wheeled on the new troops and eyed Justice Boy. 

"You!" she shouted. "I have a special mission for you." She rubbed her hands together in typical evil villain fashion. He visibly paled, but proceeded to stand in front of her and salute. She leaned toward him conspiratorially. 

"Here's what I want you to do."

He nodded.

"Go to the neighbor's yards, all over the whole base, and steal their lawn gnomes."

Blink. Blink. "Lawn gnomes?"

"Yes. The lawn gnomes. I want none of the pink flamingos now. Just lawn gnomes. Then I want them gift-wrapped and delivered to Lady Une with a message reading 'From Treize with my love.' Also, I want a few sent to a Ms. Relena Peacecraft with a message that says only 'Heero'. Paint those pink."

Blink.

"Are you a fish or an OZ soldier? Get moving!"

He saluted sharply and left, shaking his head. He was going to make sure he included in his report that if that particular commander was left to run OZ, there would be no need for the Gundams.

Kynthia returned to her quarters. On the way there Hilde mysteriously reappeared from the before-mentioned suicide mission. Alive. 

"Hi! Lieutenant Aardvark! I enjoyed my mission although the people were much like Americans, hostile and unwelcoming. However it has been successfully completed! What else can I do for you ma'am?"

Kynthia pondered. Then another spark of imitation brilliance sparked. "There's this guy. Chinese. Ponytail. Looks like he has a stick wedged up his ass all the time. He's collecting something for me. Find him and help him. Make sure he doesn't buy anything."

Hilde saluted. "Yes ma'am!" She walked away, mildy puzzled by these new orders but was such a brown noser that it never crossed her mind not to follow them. 

Kynthia entered her room snickering. After today's TV broadcast of her yelling at Lady Une on the parade grounds about her stupid split personality disorder, something that was easily overcome (she should know after all), Kynthia was one of the most feared people on the planet. And she was enjoying it immensely.

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To be continued…


	5. Ducer Electrical Tape

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. I am making no money from this.

Self-Insert Saga - Gundam Wing

By Kynthia, Cricket, and Coley

Chapter 5

A dark figure crept stealthily around the corner. Well, not so stealthily since said figure was humming the pink panther theme song.

Da da da dun, dun, dun, dun da da da dum dum dum dum da da na na naaaaaaaaa nananaaaaaaaaa do do do do do do do dooo do do da da!

On the other side of the corner another darkly clad semi-stealthy figure also crept and hummed the pink panther theme.

Suddenly the two figures collided, with a muffled crashing sound and mutual oof's. The first figure sat up and pulled of a ski mask revealing a pale face with black hair streaked with blue and wide blue eyes. 

"You ran into me!" Cricket scream-whispered.

The second figure removed her ski mask to reveal slightly smushed but still spiky really dark blue hair and black eyes. "I did not! You ran into me! What are you doing here anyway?"

"I'm going to kill Kynthia."

"You are not! I'm going to!"

"No! You got to kill Bulma, I wanna kill somebody!"

"So kill Relena!"

"I was going to, but she got a lawn gnome in the mail and took off. I took that as my chance to escape. She was making me wear pink!"

Suddenly, a third voice butted in. Kynthia had heard the commotion while in the process of brushing her teeth and stuck her head out the door, toothbrush still hanging out of her mouth. "What the hell is going on?"

Coley and Cricket both turned to look. They looked back at each other. When they faced Kynthia again there were evil grins in their proper place. 

Kynthia blanched. "Oh shit."

The two blue-haired girls pounced.

~~~~~~

Kynthia awoke to find herself taped to a chair with electric ? tape. "Hey guys," she called out, "aren't we duct-tape villains?"

Cricket walked in. Her eyes did the anime-tear thing. "But… but.. Electric tape is BLACK!"

"Oh. Ok. Can you un-tape me now?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"We still haven't decided who's going to kill you yet."

"Oh." She fell silent. Then, "Can't we do something fun? Like build a Gundam? Or randomly find one?"

"Hmm…. You know, I distinctly remember wishing for Gundams. I wonder where they could be." Mysteriously the location of a Gundam appeared in her mind. "Holy crap! That was cool. I wonder what else I don't know that I know!"

"Hn."

"O.o! We could find the pilots too! And torture them by beating their Gundams into metal-y pulps!"

"I already saw Wufei."

"And I saw Trowa. What's that got to do with anything?"

Cricket got the anime tear eyes again. Oh where was her beloved Duo?!

Kynthia quickly stepped in. She wasn't in the mood. "So where is this Gundam at?"

"I'm not telling you! You OZ suck up traitor! Find your own!"

"Fine I will!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

Coley rolled her eyes and briefly wondered if she had a Gundam. The location of hers magically appeared. Kind of like the way cocoa puffs turn milk brown. She began searching the cabin they had 'borrowed' for a shovel.

Kynthia was watching curiously. 'How come they get a Gundam and I don't? I want one!' She waited for the location to magically appear. Nothing happened. "Dammit! Where's my freakin Gundam?" Her mind responded as if terrified of her. "That's much more like it!" Command of OZ had obviously gone to her head. Literally.

And yet more terror is unleashed upon the universe.

"Hey!" Kynthia screamed, "you can't end the chapter with me still taped to this damn chair!"

Authoress (Cricket) snickers. "Well hmm… you only tortured me with Relena for a whole chapter. What else did you expect?" Fingers are snapped. Said tape disappears.

AHEM

And yet more terror is unleashed upon the universe.

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To be continued…


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